My Life; My Words...
These words are my own.
Ashley's Blog. ♥
Ashley's Elowel
So I moved all of my stuff out of Paul's yesterday, but due to my sister being out so late, I ended up sleeping at Pauls. Last night was weird and emotional. Paul is having a really difficult time packing and moving. It sucks because he puts on an angry facade to cover his pain, he doesn't know, but I can see right through him. He is trying to be tough, and I understand that.

He took off twice last night and the second time I went and found him.

All of this is taking a huge toll on my heart, because I have to put my feelings for him aside and just be a friend right now. He really needs someone he can lean on. His friends don't understand what he's going through and that's rough when you have so much on your shoulders and the people you need the most just don't understand.

I'm trying to help him as much as I can, althought all he wants is to push me away, I know thats not what he wants. I want to make him happy and help him. So I'm sticking around for him emotionally. But for now I'm staying with my sister to give the both of us some very needed space.

That lyric is from "Two Beds and A Coffee Machine" by Savage Garden.

So I'm moving out today. I'm glad no one was home when I got here so I could pack my things in peace and keep my dignity. I really wish that Paul knew what he wanted. But he doesn't. So removing myself from this heart breaking situation is best for the both of us right now. It sucks cuz it's like my heart is breaking all over again. But life goes on.

I'm also suppose to get a car this weekend but who knows. I don't think my stimuli check is going to come.

I keep turning around and seeing my belongings in bags in the living room. I'm leaving so much behind. All my comfy bedding and My big TV. I keep telling myself this is for the best, but my heart is wrenching. Why does Paul have to be so DAMN amazing? Why does he have to be everything I want and need in a guy? Grrr. I hate this feeling...

WTF!?!? 05-29-08 23:22
Ok so the last few days have just been weird!

Paul and I thought we might be prego, but a test proved negative. But taking the test actually gave me baby fever. Oh great... I've been harrassing paul for two days to have a baby with me. I'm suprised he hasn't called me crazy and kicked me out. lol.

But he kind of did kick me out, just not for wanting a baby. I was under the impression this whole time that I was moving with Paul and his mom to the new place, but Paul was saying the other day that mikee was moving in with him. This didn't make any sense to me because they are moving into a two bedroom. My thought was, where is he going to sleep. Then it dawned on me that he wanted Mikee to move in instead of me.

This pissed me off and made me sad at the same time. He just kind of put me out there and didn't even really talk to me about it, he took the pussy way out and made me figure it out when he said that mikee was moving in and made me ask about it. In all honesty, I don't want to live with my sister. I don't want to have to sleep on her couch and be her fucking slave. Which is what she will do if I live there. Plus, I have been really emotional about moving out because I love Paul, and It's hard for me to sleep without him there or knowing he's safe. I'm going to miss cuddling with him and play fighting and our general horsing around. He's the ONLY guy who's not afraid of breaking me and I love when he plays with me.

I could go on about all this depressing shit, cuz I am depressed. And frankly, I don't want to deal with this anymore, but my heart still beats for him.

I read a quote today that I've heard a million times, its not so much a quote, more a saying "LIFE WAITS FOR NO ONE" and reading it today it really made sense. I'm going to be 20 in a month and a half. No more being a teenager, no more irresponsibility. It's really time to grow up and get on with life. I'm so sick of waiting around for things that will never happen. I need to be progressive and start my life. If I don't, I'll wind up a forty year old workaholic with no kids and no life. Paul doesn't understand why I want a baby right now, he was saying that he's 18 he's barely had a chance to live, I'll be 20 and I've lived a very unsheltered life; so I've gotten most of my adolescent and teen/18 yr old stuff outta the way and I'm ready for life...

I dunno. I need to get my head on straight before I make any irrational decisions...

On Lunch... 05-25-08 12:43
So I realize as I am writing this, Paul is reading my previous entry. And I see that I came off kind of harsh. I guess I'm just pissed off today. I'm tired of trying to make somone happy that will never be happy. It's like trying to date myself. [I give off the aura that I'm never happy, even when I am]

But really, I'm just fucking exhausted trying to try. I want things to be better. I feel like I don't have control of my life because Paul has control of my heart. Most of the time he is the sweetest person I've ever met, but other times he is the most selfish person I've ever met. Its like Dr Jekel and Mr. Hyde. UGH.

I love Pauley to death, and I'd do anything for him. But what am I suppose to make of this person he has become? I hate that he has my heart, and its like he's caressing it and making me feel good then out of nowhere he just tosses it in the garbage, then realizes that he cares and digs it back out. Its up and down, up and down.

Let me explain why this is uncomfortable for me, I have borderline personality disorder, aka black and white thinking mixed with a little post traumatic stress disorder [and some other shit] but with Paul's ups and downs mixing with MY ups and downs it freaks me out, and like I said I dont have control of my heart, therefore, I feel like I don't have control of my life. It has nothing to do with wanting to control Paul, he can do what ever he wants, I just need to be able to control my own feelings, and since he can't make up his mind, my heart is just up in the air.

Anyhow. Lunch is almost over and I need a nic fix. I'll post more after work.

So things have been up and down. Paul was really affectionate for like a week, and now he's back to the cold, depressed Paul. It sucks cuz I want to help him and be there for him, but he wont let me; he wont let anyone. He just bottles it up inside and blames himself for everything going on. It breaks my heart to see what he's doing to himself.

I try to not get my hopes up with him. But its so hard when he's no damn affectionate with me, it makes me fall for him all over again, and just when I think it's okay to feel for him again, he goes and changes his mind. Ugh. I'm starting to think that he's really BiPolar. Which sucks, for the both of us. But I've grown up with BiPolar Parents, plus Brian is BiPolar, so I know how to handle the ups and downs, but damn, does it have to hurt so much? Its like I feel like my happiness not only rests on how he's feeling today, but its just out of my reach. It frustrates me because I am doing everything in my power to try and make him happy, but he makes me feel like its not enough, he makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. He says that there is no chance of us getting back together, at all. Which makes me feel even worse. I feel like I'm wasting my time. There are so many fish in the sea, and I could pretty much have anyone, unfortunately, my heart feels best when I'm in his arms. Unrequitted Love Sucks Ass!

Anyhow, in other news in my life. I'm getting a car soon. I'm hoping in the next like week or so. Paul, Theresa and I are suppose to be moving in the next week or so, but with the way those two procrastinate who knows what is going to happen. The Bank takes over their house on the 3rd of June and They haven't really moved an inch towards packing, or cleaning. Its frustrating.

Last night I went and visited Kyle, who just got out of emergency surgery to remove his galbladder, ouch. I feel bad because for the longest time, Kyle was my weakness. There's just something about his bad boy persona that gets me. But last night was different. Kyle tried to kiss me, and I told him no. Even though Paul and I are broken up, I still feel the need to be 100% faithful to him. As he is [and BETTER be] faithful to me.

I also went to the Laser Nirvana and Laser Floyd Show with Randall and his brother last night, that was a blast, although Randalls driving kind of scares me. lol.

But I'm at work right now, I have three 8 hour days in a row. whatev tho, nice paycheck, speaking of that, I also got a raise. I'm makin $10 an hour now. W00T.

Anyway, I'm gonna get offa here and go potty before I go clock on and sign away the next 8 hours of my life. Advice is ALWAYS welcome.

Ok, so for one, I'm miserably menstrual. It's hot, and I feel like I wanna vomit. I'm completely exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally.

I've had it to my boiling point with Paul and I don't know how much more of him I can take. He brings me up only to let me fall and I'm tired of hurting over his selfishness. He keeps saying he's so sorry for hurting me but he keeps doing it, over and over.

And lately he's been copping attitude with me, and I'm not about to let his immature ass control my feelings. Fuck that. He's 18, he's still immature and thinks he knows everything.


Thanks Jen... 05-17-08 22:20
1. height?

2. have you ever smoked heroin?
No. you own a gun?
Nope. Terrified of them.

5. do you get nervous before doctor appointments?

6. what do you think of hot dogs?

7. what's your favorite Christmas song?
Jingle bell rock

8. what do you prefer to drink in the morning?

9. can you do push ups?
a better question would be how many. really, i think everyone can do a push-up, even 2 to satisfy the plural.

10. is your bathroom clean?

11. what's your favorite piece of jewelry?
don't own any

12. do you like painkillers?
The ones that make me loopy.

13. what do you do to lure in the opposite sex?
have fun.

14. do you have A.D.D.?

16. middle name?

17. name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
I don't wanna work at the ass crack o' dawn tomorrow, Paul is a fucking Jerk, and Teresa makes some DAMN good food.

18. name the last 3 things you have bought?
vitamin water. cigarettes. Shari's last night.

19. name 3 drinks you regularly drink
Vitamin water [Essential], Vitamin water [XXX] and water.

22. current worry?
My job

23. current hate?
Paul. my job

24. favorite place to be?
near water, or hunter north Dakota

25. how did you bring in the new year?
a hella dramatic party

26. where would you like to go?

27. do you own slippers?
Yes. They look like ugg boots. =P

28. what shirt are you wearing?
grey vneck over a black tank

29. do you tan or burn?

30. favorite color(s)?
pink and black

31. would you be a pirate?

33. what songs do you sing in the shower?
the stuff that is on my phone. I sing along.

34. what did you fear that was going to get you at night as a child?

35. what's in your pockets right now?
a bus pass

36. last thing that made you laugh?

37. best bed sheets as a child?
Strawberry shortcake

38. worst injury you've ever had?
I dunno.

40. how many TVs do you have in your house?
two I think.

41. who is your loudest friend?

42. who is your most silent friend?
I don't know

43. does someone have a crush on you?

44. do you wish on shooting stars?
yeah, for shits n' giggles

45. what is your favorite book?
Tooooo many.

47. what song do you want played at your wedding?
My Best Friend- Tim McGraw

48. what song do you want played at your funeral?
"please, Remember Me" Tim Mcgraw

49. what were you doing @ 12 AM last night?
At either Elk rock island or sharis

50. what was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?
yuck its hot... what time is it?

Why? 05-13-08 16:00
Do I just have bad luck with guys or what? Cuz seriously, I'm so tired of thinking I found mr. Right, only to find out that I was Ms. Rightnow. UGH.

Paul and I got really trashed last night and it was pretty awesome. Or so I thought. We pretty much shared a fifth between us, had really great drunken sex, and had what I thought was a really great talk afterwards before we both got sick and passed out. This morning wasn't too bad either. I'm slightly hungover [I just feel sick, no headache]. But Paul and I talked again this morning, and I was pretty much like this whole FWB thing is fine with me if its fine with you. Well, last night he told me that he likes Beth and I was pretty cool about it, I told him that I want him to be happy with or without me, but I also feel like he shouldn't be in a relationship because of what he has going on at home. Cuz if he does that, he'll do the same thing to her that he did to me. Things were grand at first, but when things got serious and he started getting stressed out because of home issues, he bailed. And I don't think he'll ever learn if someone doesn't bring it up to him.

Ugh. I gotta go clock on for work. I'll post more after work.

So I realized today that Paul must be two faced. That or his friends like to make shit up. I went to starbucks today, to get out of the house, and Paul's female friends decided to show up and make a ruckus in my direction. I was pissed. I could HEAR them talking shit, saying shit like "She wont let him hang out with any girls" and on girl asked "do we really have to stay here til she leaves?" Among other stupid shit. It was really hurtful and annoying. So I left, I get back to Paul's house and called his mom to tell her that I was here [cuz she wasn't home] and I told her what happened, and she was saying that she thinks this Beth girl has a crush on Paul which is why Silke has been trying to hang out with him so much. Talk about shattering my heart.

I so don't want to deal with this high school drama.

I just cleaned Paul's room [allllllmost] spotless.

Part of me is sucking up, the other part is tired of looking at the mess. I really want things to go well tonight. I am tired of crying.
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